6 ways to escape Relationship Hell
Relationship Hell. We’ve all been there; once upon a time, you couldn’t wait to see this person, now it’s all gone terribly wrong and you don’t have a clue how to fix it. What causes this miserable phenomenon? How can you prevent it and how can you escape once you discover yourself there.
The most common reason that a relationship runs in to trouble, is the common pattern of falling in love with the potential in a person. We can find that we are essentially committed to a relationship with this imaginary, idealized version of the human being in front of us. Spend enough time focused there, and this fantasy can take on a life of its own.
Inevitably, these worlds collide and the clash between the fantasy and the reality can generate massive amounts of resentment. We can develop a sense of entitlement about the way we “ought” to be treated. We make the big mistake of comparing and despairing but continually holding up our experience against the fantasy relationship and making everyone miserable as a result.
The sense of having unmet needs is fertile ground for a vicious cycle to develop. We begin to observe the amount of (fill in the blank) we are receiving, weighing it up against they way things “should” be, and then begin to wonder whether our partner “deserves” the (fill in the blank) that we have been giving. Our resentment leads us to withhold the thing they want, which results in their reaction to withdraw and then we get even less of the thing that we wanted and remonstrate (or retaliate) by not giving the thing they want and so on and so forth.
Check-mate. So what can you do to stop the madness?
Firstly, one of the most useful pieces of advice I can give you, is to install a mental pause button or time out switch before you react to anything, Curb your impulsivity, no matter what degree of provocation you are experiencing. Take some slow deep breaths or even walk away. There is very little useful information to be gained from exploring anger. Anger is just a messenger, the solutions lie in discovering and acknowledging – even to yourself- the deeper feelings below the anger – which is usually some kind of fear.
Once you have taken your finger off the trigger, try something different, here is a list of 6 interventions to try.
#1 Let go of your expectations
That imaginary boyfriend, (girlfriend, husband, wife, partner etc) that wouldn’t be doing any of this isn’t real. Expectations are the root cause of all suffering. If you didn’t have the idea that things OUGHT to be different, how would it affect what you are thinking right now?
#2 Be present
We got so caught up in both holding on to stuff from the past and fears about a future that doesn’t exist yet that it is easy to miss the present altogether. Try focusing in on the now. Try looking at your partner with fresh eyes. Put aside your resentments, judgements and opinions and pay them some attention. Not just some in fact, give them one hundred percent of your undivided attention – with eye contact!
#3 Be honest
The truth will set you free. Be honest with yourself and with everyone else. We waste huge amounts of energy in denial and/or trying to manipulate the situation into being something other than what it really is. Radical Honesty is the key but please remember to speak kindly.
#4 Listen
I always say “Find someone to talk to who doesn’t talk”. Be that person for your partner. Stop being stuck on transmit. Bite your tongue if necessary. No interrupting. See how things shift when you give each other the respect of being willing to hear whatever they want to say without repercussions. Which means no responding, or defending in return.
#5 Give what you’d like to receive
It’s easy to be loving when it’s easy. Loving when it’s hard is what really counts. Love when you are tired. Love when you are angry. Love when you are bored. A romantic gesture when you least feel like can bring miraculous results, not least by making you feel good about yourself.
#6 Be vulnerable
Be willing to show how hurt and scared you are without covering it up with anger. Stay and stay open when you want to run away. Stop trying to explain, justify or defend yourself and most importantly, give up being right.
Each of these interventions can be very powerful by itself. In combination, they create a powerful set of skills to bring to the table. Maybe even more importantly, is that regardless of the outcome, practicing these techniques will help you feel better and feel better about yourself during the process.
Share this list with your beloved. Since what you are doing isn’t working anyway, why not suggest something different? Above all, always remember that the only person actually under your control is you.
************
To leave a comment, please click on the title. If you liked this post feel free to share it and you can also sign up in the box on the top right to receive new posts automatically by email.
Why I dumped my imaginary boyfriend. Relationship as spiritual practice.
Dear Imaginary Boyfriend,
There is no easy way to put this, I have to break up with you. I’m sorry. I know it’s going to come as a shock after all this time together. But hear me out and I hope you will come to understand why I just can’t go on like this, as much as I love you.
I have been trying to avoid the inevitable for way too long. I’ve been in denial because I didn’t want to face the facts. I’ve invested everything I had into this relationship. All my hopes and dreams have been about us for almost as long as I can remember. But something changed. I guess you could call it a wake up call. Suddenly, I’ve realized that life is too short to spend a moment longer with you.
This is probably the one occasion where the cliché is actually true – this is hurting me far more than it’s hurting you, for one indisputable reason – you’re not real.
There, I came right out and said it. I’m not blaming you. I’m willing to take responsibility in all this, after all it was me that created you. I made it all up, our imaginary, perfect relationship
Brick by brick I built a dream house and moved us into it. The more I thought about us, the more real it seemed. I said “I do” to the fantasy and I really meant “till death do us part”. In the beginning, it was fun. It seemed pretty harmless, until the comparisons started.
The more time I spent there with you, the more dissatisfied I became with the other guy, you know, the real flesh and blood one that I have the actual relationship with. I thought I could keep us separate, but I was wrong.
You drove a wedge between us, constantly letting me know how he didn’t measure up to you. You started to show up on every date with him, taunting me with how I could be so much happier with you.
Reminding me over and over, that I deserve to be treated the way you treat me, instantly fulfilling my every need and that if I accept anything less than that, it would be settling.
You wouldn’t give up until I was angry. I found myself furious with him because he just wasn’t you. You told me that I should hold back my love, weigh it out carefully, paying careful attention to what I got first, and never, ever, to give even a drop more than he gave me.
And that’s what it came too, until I looked in the mirror and realized that you turned me into a woman I didn’t want to be. I swore I wouldn’t live like this one second longer. So I’m leaving. And I’m giving you back all the fear and resentment I’ve taken on by being in a relationship with you.
I don’t want to miss the beauty of the present because I’m chasing a future with you. I choose reality, the clumsy truth of an imperfect person trying their best to love their way through fear. I’m reclaiming my open heart, my passion and my compassion. And above all, my courage to love without condition.
I choose not to hold back , especially when I’m not receiving what I hope for; Why? because that is the place that I can challenge myself and grow. When I am afraid of getting hurt, I will resist the instinct to retreat, like an oyster, closed shell clamped down around the grit of the pain of rejection.
I’m choosing to face my fear, I will open myself to reveal a beautiful pearl of unconditional love, a gleaming gift, nestled upon the glistening, softness of my deepest surrender. It is through the power of my vulnerability, that I set myself free.
*****
To leave a comment, please click on the title. If you liked this post feel free to share it and you can also sign up in the box on the top right to receive new posts automatically by email.
Anger Management
Anger and how to deal with it has captured my attention of late and whilst I would love this to be strictly attributable to my continuing evolution towards enlightenment, I have to say that my motivation is not entirely altruistic. When being a good person isn’t enough motivation to turn the other cheek, I find it helpful to remind myself that being angry hurts me too.
The more aware I have become of the literal damage to our physical health that can be caused by stress, the more attentive I am to my own emotional state and the more I strive to be conscious and to practice self-control. At last weekend’s Freedom, Peace and Power workshop, I shared one of my favorite quotations; “Refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die”.
It’s all too easy to feel frustrated and ashamed by one’s inability to retain serenity in the face of provocations big and small. In an ideal world, I would have the tolerance of a saint at all times. This future zen me floats through life upon an unassailable cloud of tranquility but in the meantime, I often feel like the exasperated mother to my tantrum throwing inner child in the cosmic supermarket.
Rather than striving for a halo by imagining that I will one day move beyond anger, a more realistic and attainable goal is to work to eliminate knee-jerk reactions to button-pushing events. I am heartened because finally I can see some progress; not that I don’t get angry – but that the gap between the event and my taking control and changing my reaction has become considerably smaller.
I live in hope that if things keep going in this direction there may soon come a day when I am able to pause after every trigger and deliberately select an emotional response. Freedom, Peace and Power lie not in our ability to control our fate, but in our ability to choose our reactions to it.
Belly-dancing in a suit-of-armor
Evolution equips us with the desire to learn from the perils we survive. Once bitten, twice shy; yet this pre-historic instinct designed to protect us from predators and poisons, really doesn’t serve us when applied to affairs of the heart. Take Alice. Alice has a broken heart. Like a clock that stopped, it’s frozen in time, hands pointing fixedly to the moment three years ago when she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. Alice would really like to meet someone. More specifically, she would really like to meet someone, get married and have children, sooner rather than later. But she is not even dating right now and the reason is because she is stuck. Immobilized by her shattered trust, the torment of the unanswered why, the bitterness of betrayal and the abject terror of being so hurt again.
Alice has a heart so tender, sweet and generous. She is a sweet girl who enjoys being a girl, inside and out and yet when men meet her, they don’t find her feminine at all. The tension of all that unresolved emotion has taken up residence in her body, you can actually see it in the jaw that aches from night after night of being clenched so tight. It’s as if the fear and pain has been there so long that it has become hardened over time, solidifying into a rock-hard protective shell around her heart, mirrored by the layer of extra weight she has cloaked her body in. Trying to meet a guy in this condition is incredibly difficult, the metaphor that comes to my mind is that it’s rather like belly-dancing in a suit of armor.
For a woman (or man) who identifies as feminine and seeks a masculine counterpart, openness and softness are powerfully attractive attributes to embody. Ironically, it is being vulnerable which requires the most courage of all.
Perhaps the most important step in the process of healing a broken heart is to make a conscious decision to stay in the present and to remember that our past does not dictate our future. If we don’t, the danger is that we show up on the doorstep of a new relationship with a pantechnicon of emotional baggage accrued in every other relationship starting with our parents. To leave the past behind may take work, just because emotional wounds are invisible, doesn’t mean they don’t need tending to or healing time just like physical injuries. Journalling, friends, coaching or counseling can help, but don’t wait for the fear to disappear. Choose to love in spite of it.
Please share this, if you liked it and click on the title to leave a comment.
Happy 4th of July
Happy 4th of July, everybody! I started today at the Jersey Shore where I had been invited to spend the weekend with some friends. I went out to run early this morning and chanced upon the startling sight of a large group of women of assorted sizes, ages spanning six decades, moving together in perfect harmony, filling the band-stand and spilling out on to the grass surrounding it.
At first glance, I thought I had stumbled upon Wildwood’s synchronized belly dance team, however, I soon surmised that this was in fact, an exercise class led by a contagiously enthusiastic blonde. After watching for scarcely a minute, I put down my water bottle and joined in the fun.
We bounced and gyrated, shook our booty and strutted our stuff sweatily under the morning sun. Our joie-de-vivre knew no bounds as we formed a can-can line and then twirled about, swinging each other around with such girlish innocence and playfulness. As I stretched up my arms into the blue sky above me, I was seized with emotion. I thought of the patients I had tended to in hospice last week and in particular, the one who had died and my heart surged with gratitude.
I was filled with a profound awareness of the blessings I was receiving. Such a simple yet sweet joy: strangers laughing and smiling as they danced together under a blue sky. How lucky I was, to be alive, to be healthy, to be free and above all, to be able to be conscious of this and to appreciate it all.
It is sunset now and as I look at the sky again, I am relieved to be brought back to this state of mind once again. The worries with which I have been preoccupied for the past couple of hours shrink back into their appropriately insignificant proportions, compared to all that I truly can rejoice in and give thanks for today.
If you enjoyed this post, please share it and if you would like to leave a comment, click on the title.
