How To Make Anything Better
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Being in the business of helping people, it’s a little annoying that it always seems so much more difficult when I’m dealing with my own problems. Undoubtedly it’s all due to a lack of perspective and not being able to see the wood for the trees. Sometimes the answer we are so desperately seeking comes simply from being able to find the right questions. I’m grateful to have had a breakthrough tonight when I read this question from the fabulous Cheri Huber
“What do you have in your life and what do you exclude from your life in order to avoid discomfort?”
Cue major epiphany. Not so much because I answered the question but because, all of a sudden, I became aware of the way I was reacting to the problem. Inspiration came when I realized that a beautiful solution to this and every other problem might lie in simply changing the way I thought about the whole concept of having a problem. Back to Cheri here, who succinctly explains in The Key that there are Four Causes of Suffering:
- Not getting what you want
- Getting what you want and not being satisfied with it
- Having to endure the absence of those or that which you love
- Having to endure the presence to those or that which you do not love
The issue, in every case is that we don’t like that which we don’t like and that our reaction to experiencing discomfort or fearing that we are about to experience discomfort is to attempt to do just about anything to avoid it. The ego goes into over-drive in an all out attempt to control and change things. I think that actually having some tools and skills in the interpersonal realm can put one at a huge disadvantage here as the danger is that we can become consumed by the fallacy that if we just try harder or longer we can make it all better.
Some part of our brain is fixated on a series of irrational assertions centered in the flawed logic that insists that things should be different. That this version of reality is totally unacceptable. That if we were to take the unimaginable risk of accepting the way things are, nothing is going to change. That by taking a stand and refusing to accept the way things are, we have some possibility of changing them. Not so much. The truth is that there is one and only one thing within our control and that is how we think about things.
When it comes to reality, resistance is futile because resisting reality is really the problem.
And here is where the miracle comes in. When I am able to give up my attachment to the way I hoped, or dreamed or believed things should be, it actually comes as something of a relief, suffering is really exhausting.
There is a peace in the acceptance that comes from surrendering the impossible task of trying to control the universe. It’s even better when we entertain the concept that someone or something much better and bigger than us is actually in charge.
Here’s to serenity.
“This is not what I signed up for” How talking about the sub-text can heal your relationship
One of the biggest relationship mistakes that people make is to express anger instead of fear or sadness. That anger often arises from a sense of betrayal derived from the idea that an unwritten rule has been broken, the thought being ‘This is not what I signed up for’. But more often than not, instead of sharing the thoughts and feelings underneath it all, we ignore the elephant in the room and fight about the symptoms instead of the causes.
For Brad and Julie it all started when they had twins, right around the time he got his big promotion. All of a sudden their worlds were upside down. Between recovering from the caesarian and taking care of two babies with colic, Julie was completely overwhelmed and couldn’t wait for Brad to get home from work to give her a break.
6 ways to escape Relationship Hell
Relationship Hell. We’ve all been there; once upon a time, you couldn’t wait to see this person, now it’s all gone terribly wrong and you don’t have a clue how to fix it. What causes this miserable phenomenon? How can you prevent it and how can you escape once you discover yourself there.
The most common reason that a relationship runs in to trouble, is the common pattern of falling in love with the potential in a person. We can find that we are essentially committed to a relationship with this imaginary, idealized version of the human being in front of us. Spend enough time focused there, and this fantasy can take on a life of its own.
Inevitably, these worlds collide and the clash between the fantasy and the reality can generate massive amounts of resentment. We can develop a sense of entitlement about the way we “ought” to be treated. We make the big mistake of comparing and despairing but continually holding up our experience against the fantasy relationship and making everyone miserable as a result.
The sense of having unmet needs is fertile ground for a vicious cycle to develop. We begin to observe the amount of (fill in the blank) we are receiving, weighing it up against they way things “should” be, and then begin to wonder whether our partner “deserves” the (fill in the blank) that we have been giving. Our resentment leads us to withhold the thing they want, which results in their reaction to withdraw and then we get even less of the thing that we wanted and remonstrate (or retaliate) by not giving the thing they want and so on and so forth.
Check-mate. So what can you do to stop the madness?
Firstly, one of the most useful pieces of advice I can give you, is to install a mental pause button or time out switch before you react to anything, Curb your impulsivity, no matter what degree of provocation you are experiencing. Take some slow deep breaths or even walk away. There is very little useful information to be gained from exploring anger. Anger is just a messenger, the solutions lie in discovering and acknowledging – even to yourself- the deeper feelings below the anger – which is usually some kind of fear.
Once you have taken your finger off the trigger, try something different, here is a list of 6 interventions to try.
#1 Let go of your expectations
That imaginary boyfriend, (girlfriend, husband, wife, partner etc) that wouldn’t be doing any of this isn’t real. Expectations are the root cause of all suffering. If you didn’t have the idea that things OUGHT to be different, how would it affect what you are thinking right now?
#2 Be present
We got so caught up in both holding on to stuff from the past and fears about a future that doesn’t exist yet that it is easy to miss the present altogether. Try focusing in on the now. Try looking at your partner with fresh eyes. Put aside your resentments, judgements and opinions and pay them some attention. Not just some in fact, give them one hundred percent of your undivided attention – with eye contact!
#3 Be honest
The truth will set you free. Be honest with yourself and with everyone else. We waste huge amounts of energy in denial and/or trying to manipulate the situation into being something other than what it really is. Radical Honesty is the key but please remember to speak kindly.
#4 Listen
I always say “Find someone to talk to who doesn’t talk”. Be that person for your partner. Stop being stuck on transmit. Bite your tongue if necessary. No interrupting. See how things shift when you give each other the respect of being willing to hear whatever they want to say without repercussions. Which means no responding, or defending in return.
#5 Give what you’d like to receive
It’s easy to be loving when it’s easy. Loving when it’s hard is what really counts. Love when you are tired. Love when you are angry. Love when you are bored. A romantic gesture when you least feel like can bring miraculous results, not least by making you feel good about yourself.
#6 Be vulnerable
Be willing to show how hurt and scared you are without covering it up with anger. Stay and stay open when you want to run away. Stop trying to explain, justify or defend yourself and most importantly, give up being right.
Each of these interventions can be very powerful by itself. In combination, they create a powerful set of skills to bring to the table. Maybe even more importantly, is that regardless of the outcome, practicing these techniques will help you feel better and feel better about yourself during the process.
Share this list with your beloved. Since what you are doing isn’t working anyway, why not suggest something different? Above all, always remember that the only person actually under your control is you.
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Anger Management
Anger and how to deal with it has captured my attention of late and whilst I would love this to be strictly attributable to my continuing evolution towards enlightenment, I have to say that my motivation is not entirely altruistic. When being a good person isn’t enough motivation to turn the other cheek, I find it helpful to remind myself that being angry hurts me too.
The more aware I have become of the literal damage to our physical health that can be caused by stress, the more attentive I am to my own emotional state and the more I strive to be conscious and to practice self-control. At last weekend’s Freedom, Peace and Power workshop, I shared one of my favorite quotations; “Refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die”.
It’s all too easy to feel frustrated and ashamed by one’s inability to retain serenity in the face of provocations big and small. In an ideal world, I would have the tolerance of a saint at all times. This future zen me floats through life upon an unassailable cloud of tranquility but in the meantime, I often feel like the exasperated mother to my tantrum throwing inner child in the cosmic supermarket.
Rather than striving for a halo by imagining that I will one day move beyond anger, a more realistic and attainable goal is to work to eliminate knee-jerk reactions to button-pushing events. I am heartened because finally I can see some progress; not that I don’t get angry – but that the gap between the event and my taking control and changing my reaction has become considerably smaller.
I live in hope that if things keep going in this direction there may soon come a day when I am able to pause after every trigger and deliberately select an emotional response. Freedom, Peace and Power lie not in our ability to control our fate, but in our ability to choose our reactions to it.
Belly-dancing in a suit-of-armor
Evolution equips us with the desire to learn from the perils we survive. Once bitten, twice shy; yet this pre-historic instinct designed to protect us from predators and poisons, really doesn’t serve us when applied to affairs of the heart. Take Alice. Alice has a broken heart. Like a clock that stopped, it’s frozen in time, hands pointing fixedly to the moment three years ago when she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. Alice would really like to meet someone. More specifically, she would really like to meet someone, get married and have children, sooner rather than later. But she is not even dating right now and the reason is because she is stuck. Immobilized by her shattered trust, the torment of the unanswered why, the bitterness of betrayal and the abject terror of being so hurt again.
Alice has a heart so tender, sweet and generous. She is a sweet girl who enjoys being a girl, inside and out and yet when men meet her, they don’t find her feminine at all. The tension of all that unresolved emotion has taken up residence in her body, you can actually see it in the jaw that aches from night after night of being clenched so tight. It’s as if the fear and pain has been there so long that it has become hardened over time, solidifying into a rock-hard protective shell around her heart, mirrored by the layer of extra weight she has cloaked her body in. Trying to meet a guy in this condition is incredibly difficult, the metaphor that comes to my mind is that it’s rather like belly-dancing in a suit of armor.
For a woman (or man) who identifies as feminine and seeks a masculine counterpart, openness and softness are powerfully attractive attributes to embody. Ironically, it is being vulnerable which requires the most courage of all.
Perhaps the most important step in the process of healing a broken heart is to make a conscious decision to stay in the present and to remember that our past does not dictate our future. If we don’t, the danger is that we show up on the doorstep of a new relationship with a pantechnicon of emotional baggage accrued in every other relationship starting with our parents. To leave the past behind may take work, just because emotional wounds are invisible, doesn’t mean they don’t need tending to or healing time just like physical injuries. Journalling, friends, coaching or counseling can help, but don’t wait for the fear to disappear. Choose to love in spite of it.
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Guest Post about staffing the Woman Within Weekend by Amanda Boardman
I am driving away from a Woman Within weekend of staffing feeling so deeply fulfilled and connected to the women I worked alongside, the women who participated on the course and to all women everywhere. I think about the women around the world who do this work and the courage it takes to step into the fire and find the parts of yourself that you lost or buried years, months, or weeks ago. The parts that had to be shut away when the loss, hurt, betrayal, anger and grief of life lived on life’s terms became too much for your soul to bear. I think about the women who never get the chance to step within themselves, either because they’re too afraid or because their lives are such a struggle for survival that there are no resources to spare on finding one’s personal meaning for existence. I think too, of the many women who live in cultures and countries where women dare not have any voice at all.
Watching the four facilitators from the United States and the UK work with women this weekend, was like seeing miracles take place in front of my eyes. These women are so powerful yet so in touch with their vulnerability. I have been shown a new form of leadership. In fact, a new way of being in the world. These women have spent decades on their own journeys and in facilitating other women’s processes. Their complete presence when helping a woman process an issue is awe-inspiring. At the same time, their humility is astounding. Witnessing divine compassion radiate from a woman’s face while deep in facilitation, I knew I was watching God’s work.
I drive across the mountains towards my home, knowing that this weekend I stopped all the busyness of everyday living and made space to touch my own soul. My soul is grateful. I sing the songs we sang on the weekend just so I can hear once more the joyous sounds of women supporting each other. When I reach my house, I turn off the car and feel the waves of grief rush up and pour down my face. I don’t know if I am crying for all my own old wounds or for the individual women who laid forth their grief in all its rawness this weekend. They did this so that together we could nurture them back to the joy that I believe is our birthright. I cry with abandon for all the women who cannot cry. The women who dare not express their grief in case it consumes them. Until they are able to, I will cry for them. I sit in my car and I cry for lost love. I cry for the agony of betrayal. I cry for the shockingly numerous stories of sexual and emotional abuse often at the hands of people supposed to protect us.
As I cry, my tears change to tears of gratitude that I am able to witness this type of transformation. I let it all out, knowing that this is just a release. I am OK. When I am done, I get out my suitcase and start singing softly as I make my way inside,
“We are women on a journey,
Shining like the sun.
Shining through the darkest night,
The healing has begun, begun, the healing has begun.”