The rollercoaster of unhealthy relationships

©istockphoto/Pogonici

There is no aspect of life more ripe with opportunities to grow than our relationships.  It also seems to be perhaps the most difficult and often painful way to learn.   Sometimes, I get the distinct impression that I may have been a little over confident when I signed up for what I wanted to achieve this lifetime.

I can see it now,  back in the place it all began, way before I was born. A fluffy, nebulous space of brilliant, white light.   There I am, in my shiny soul nakedness, just brimming with enthusiasm about my coming incarnation,  having a chat with God about what I might like to learn this time around.

***

” I’m so stoked about this lifetime, God.  I’m totally inspired and excited.   This is my time, I can just feel it.   This is gonna be my last time around. I just know it”

“There’s no reason to rush dear.   You have all the time in the world to complete the syllabus.  Besides, this is infinity,  you don’t get extra credit for finishing ahead of time” God chuckles, being particularly partial to a pun.

“No really, God.  I’ve been over the last one, I see exactly where I went wrong – I know I’m ready. You know, you really had me with that parenting thing.  You really got me going.  I just have to tell you, that is the most brilliant way to teach unconditional love, I don’t know how you come up with this stuff.”

“Oh, well you know… I’ve had a bit of practice, and of course the omniscience thing is handy, “  God murmurs, with customary modesty  “Anyway, back to you. Have you had a think about what you might like to try this time?  I thought you might like to give Life Purpose 101 a go”  He suggests gently.

“Life Purpose?  No way God, I want you to really challenge me this time.   I want to do Relationships again, but this time, take off the training wheels, I’m going for Gold!”

” Ahh, hmm, I see.”  God pauses, for quite a long time, until squirming, I interrupt the silence

“God, I know what you’re thinking..” God raises an eyebrow

“Well, erm, no obviously not” I respond a little sheepishly “The thing is God, I just wanted to say that whilst it may have looked like a bit of train wreck from your perspective, especially towards the end of  my marriage, I feel I grew so much and I have given it a lot of thought and… well,  I just know I am not going to make the same mistakes again”

God tactfully says nothing and look into the middle distance.   In retrospect, I can see he was probably mulling over the free will issue and how difficult it is to uphold when you really just want to steer your creations away from the impending cliff edge of their own self-destruction.

“Trust me on this, God.  I’m ready.  Don’t hold anything back,  I want you to give me your best shot.”

“As you wish, my child, as you wish.”

***

And here I am.   Stumbling clumsily between the ego: “why is this happening to me?” and highest self: “what am I being shown here?”.   Some days, some years, some relationships it feels like the time I misguidedly imagined I could become some other version of me who isn’t terrified of rollercoasters and got on Space Mountain at Disney.

I’m holding my breath, clenching my teeth and hanging on for dear life.  All I can do is try to remember that this crazy rollercoaster ride through the darkness only feels like it is going to be fatal.  That it’s going to end and I’ll be back in the light pretty soon.  In the light is where I feel like  I’m finally getting it.   I can see where my patterns are, painful as it is to really see them.    But it is in becoming conscious that we can finally choose a different behaviour and that’s when we get to choose to stop the ride and get off.

A prayer or intention for the rollercoaster of unhealthy relationships 

Dear God, (or Goddess, Universe, Highest Self…whatever works for you)

Please heal the part of me that permits and accepts unhealthy relationships.

Teach me to protect my inner child from people who hurt her/him, even unintentionally.

Show me that forgiveness doesn’t mean staying connected at the expense of my well-being.

Remind me that it’s not my job to try to heal or change other people but simply to learn the lessons I am being shown.

Help me surrender, to trust and let go.

Amen (or So Be it, Thank you, Om Shanti)

I have to stop going to the hardware store for milk

©istockphoto/sdominick

 

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

Today I’d like to talk to you about getting unstuck from unhealthy situations in important relationships.  I have heard it said that 99% of the solution to any problem is to become conscious of your behavior first.  So I’d like to start by sharing a little exercise with you, for which you are going to need a pen and paper, I’ll pause a minute while you go find one…

Welcome back!  To begin, on your piece of paper, write the numbers 1. 2. and 3. underneath each other.

First, what I would like you to do is to think of an important yet frustrating relationship in your life, could be a romantic one, or it could be with a parent or sibling or friend.  Got it?  Good. Now write the name of that person next to the number one.

Next, think about what it is that you most need and don’t get from that person – could be something like acceptance, affection, consideration, passion, commitment, sensitivity – you get the idea.   When you have chosen that thing, write it next to the number two.

Finally, calculate how long you have been in this situation of not getting this important need met in your relationship – could be days, weeks, months or years.  Write this answer next to number 3.

Now write this sentence on your piece of paper

I have to stop going to the hardware store for milk.  I have been doing this for ten years now.

Crazy or what?   You know how Albert Einstein defined insanity?   See the top of this post again if you need a reminder.

Now, I am going to have you write the sentence again with some substutions for certain words.   You see where this is going?  OK, but no chickening out now.

It’s important that you see this written down.

Here we go,

I have to stop going to __(your answer to number 1)_   for __(insert your answer to number 2)  I have been doing this for __(answer to number 3)__

Take a look at this sentence without guilt, shame or judgment.  Just notice – with curiosity about what might be motivating you to keep up this – shall we say – level of optimism about this particular relationship.   There has to be a reason that some part of your brain is telling you to keep showing up at the hardware store for milk.   It’s probably not a rational part.  It’s likely to be part of you that is totally stuck on the idea of How Things Ought To Be.  It might well be a younger part of you that says with sad confusion,

But this person is my fill in the blank  they are SUPPOSED to fill in the blank.   

You might respond to this younger part of yourself kindly  ’Yes they are sweetie.  And they ought to and you deserve to have them do that.  But…  I’m a little worried about how much it hurts you to keep getting your feelings so hurt when you are disappointed.’

Just saying.

Always remember that the only person you have any hope of changing is you.

Take this piece of paper and stick it on your bathroom mirror for a month.   Each time you brush your teeth, take a look at it and try to come up with some ideas of how you might try to do this differently.   It doesn’t necessarily mean ending a relationship.  But it might mean working on laying down the expectations you have of how things ought to be, so that you can have a little more peace about how they are.

Think about it.  Ask yourself this question

If I could give up the belief that ******* should be ********  how would that change how I feel about the way things are?

Chances are if you didn’t have the expectation that this person should behave in a certain way – you wouldn’t be suffering when they don’t.    Try this on for size.  And let me know how it works for you.  I’m going to be working on it right alongside you.

How to survive the most wonderful time of the year when it sucks

istockphoto.com© hartphotography1

Holidays can be the most wonderful time of the year but they can also be the most difficult.   There is something about the message that this particular time should be full of joy that can create a lot more pressure for people who aren’t feeling particularly joyful for various reasons.  One of the keys to getting through it is to remember that, in fact, you are not alone in feeling this way.  Many people are suffering from sickness or depression, are dealing with being separated from loved ones, or coping with personal challenges or financial issues that are overwhelming.

Even if you are lucky enough to be surrounded by loved ones, ironically, this season of cheer and goodwill to all men is the time of year that families and couples fight the most.     There is nothing quite like an extended period of time in an enclosed space with your nearest and dearest to push your biggest buttons and, when you add alcohol to the mix, things predictably go downhill.

Being single during the holidays is arguably worse than being part of a fighting couple:  For some reason, being unwillingly single for the holidays sucks even more than on Valentine’s day, presumably because you at least have a fighting chance at ignoring the existence of the latter.

All this pales in comparison to how hard it is to get through the holidays when you are mourning a loved one.    It is particularly painful, not just because it is a time full of memories, but because everywhere you turn, the message is that this is the time to be together with loved ones.     The joy that the rest of the world seems to be experiencing can make those burdened by grief feel particularly isolated.

The most important survival skill at this time of year is to give yourself permission to have the feelings you are having.  Stop telling yourself that you ought to be feeling differently just because the calendar is on this particular page.   It is hard enough to deal with difficult feelings without heaping guilt and shame on top of them.   Quit Should-ing yourself.   Expectations are 99% of the cause of all suffering.   Give up the expectation that you should be feeling or reacting any differently to the way that you are.   At a minimum, accept that the reality is this is how you are feeling.  Even better, show yourself a little compassion and respect the fact that if you had a choice, you wouldn’t choose to be feeling like this.

Step 2 is to imagine yourself as someone else that you care about and think about how you would treat them if they were feeling this way.   Perhaps you would be  a little more patient?   Give them a break?   Give them permission to curl up under the covers until they felt stronger?   Everyone is unique and we all have different things that make us feel better – and crucially for some people, the most important thing is simply having permission not to feel better until we do.    Sometimes it takes a heck of a lot more time and energy to try to stop yourself having a feeling than to let it run it’s course.     Sometimes, little things can help a lot.     Be brave and ask for help.  If that’s too much or there doesn’t seem to be anyone available, come up with a short list of things you can do for yourself that might help.      Maybe it’s going to the movies and escaping reality for a while, finding someone to talk to, getting some exercise, making yourself some nourishing food.

Step 3 is to remember that practicing gratitude can be a very helpful aid. Sometimes, even coming up with a list of things to be grateful for is a major challenge (click for a link to a post on some suggestions to get started).   If that’s the case, try an appreciation list instead.  When all seems lost, sometimes it helps to focus on appreciation for the things we have experienced, the ability to feel, the breath that still carries hope that there will be a better moment ahead. If these holidays are hard for you,  I truly hope something here will be helpful.  Please remember that you are not alone and that everything changes.  This too shall pass, I promise.     I wish you peace in your heart.

The alpha woman in love – does your success hurt your sex life?

I saw this photo on the web today and I just had to buy the poster.    To me it says so much about what so many women I know yearn for in relationship:  To be able to be the driven woman,  charging ahead towards her goals and yet to also enjoy the feeling of being held by powerful arms.    This guy is so clearly un-threatened by her power.  He doesn’t have a problem letting her drive, he exudes confidence, intellect, sexiness and fun. He trusts her enough not to second guess the direction she’s taking and is on the look out for something awesome on the way that they can share and enjoy together.

The alpha woman and relationships

The subject of the alpha woman and relationships has come up twice this week, once in a fascinating chat I had with a dynamic woman who is a highly successful entrepreneur and mega star of the blogosphere and again on Twitter, in tweets between Patti Stanger, of Bravo tv’s Millionaire Matchmaker fame (@pattistanger)  and  reality tv star and Pageant Queen, Monica Pietzrak (@Monicawickedfit).

The first conversation revolved around the fact that for women entrepreneurs success can actually put more strain on a marriage than failure.   We got to talking about the subtexts in a relationship to do with money and power. The Twitter exchange went like this:  Monica tweeted “Why do successful alpha women crave the alpha guy? Will it truly never work? I’ve always been told “can’t have two #1′s” and Patti quipped in reply,  “Ha! Yes it’s true we want a man to overpower us. So when you get an alpha man you become a beta woman!”

Patti’s use of the word “overpower” makes me flinch a little.  This is a highly controversial area, not least because of the historical abuses of power and violence between the sexes.  Many women fear to disclose a secret desire to be ravished, lest it is taken as an invitation to rape.   But it’s worth venturing into the breech and talking about because it’ s an issue that many of the brilliant and beautiful women I know wrestle with:   How do we reconcile our desire and ability to equal and even exceed men in business with our secret yearning to be “treated like a woman”.    Just to be clear, whilst referring to straight women here, this issue relates to anyone of any gender whose preference lies in predominantly “feminine” traits and who enjoys intimacy with someone whose preference lies in predominantly “masculine” traits. 

Why do I have to choose?

This is the dilemma of the modern woman -  whilst I may be an expert at skilfully utilizing the “masculine” traits of my personality to kick butt in the world, when I come home, akick off my shoes and wonder in to the bedroom, my comfort (and pleasure!) zone lies in being in my feminine in relation to a partner who is exhibiting “masculine” traits.      Critics accuse us of wanting to have our cake and eat it but why can’t I be an equal in the boardroom and still get the door opened? Why do I have to choose?   For more on this ideology, check out the work of David Deida, no stranger to controversy himself, and his best-selling book The Way of The Superior Man.

The feminine feminist

Living 21st century, post-modern, industrial society, the pace of life is overwhelmingly masculine.   It’s all about action and achievement and the faster the better.    I wonder if that’s why we sub-consciously absorb this assertion that the feminine traits are in some way less powerful and judge them in ourselves.   Growing up as a girl in the seventies, equality of the sexes was drummed into us at school at every opportunity, our anthem was “Anything you can do, I can do better”.   The underlying message was that Pink was both Powerless and Pathetic.    I exchanged it for black as soon as I could and didn’t wear it again until my thirties, when I decided to come out of the closet as a feminine feminist.

In theory the battle of the sexes should be over, but have we really come that far?   What messages about being feminine and being powerful are we offering to girls – (or even more pointedly to boys who exhibit feminine traits) today?    Women are certainly seen to be powerful, yet the power they exhibit often follows limiting stereotypes.  Look at the media and you would be forgiven for thinking that there are only two ways to the top.  One involves selling your body and the other selling your soul.   Where is the middle ground between “pussy power” and being “an alpha male with a vagina”?

Vive La Différence

I think the answer for these successful women lies in giving up competition – not in favor of becoming submissive, (heaven forbid), but exchanging it for a paradigm of cooperation (which is of course, the feminine model, technically speaking).    The road to peace and passion lies in embracing the concept of complementary opposites. I’m in favor of valuing our different qualities equally instead of trying to dilute them into an equal similarity, or  as the French put it, Vive La Différence.

Ten Tips for tremendous first dates and one of the best holiday gifts you can give each other

I have a new post on Lifehack this week, with some advice about first dates which you can check out here if that pertains to you. If on the other hand, the days of first dates are happily far behind you, I also have something for you! Have you have been wondering about what to get your beloved for the holidays? Have you just been seized with minor anxiety because you hadn’t even thought about it yet? Let me help you out here. For a present with real and lasting value, how about coming along together to the couples retreat weekend I am presenting on December 10th and 11th? It’s the ultimate in quality time and I guarantee that this weekend will be the gift that keeps on giving, with more fun, intimacy, connection and great communication for the year to come and beyond. If you’d like to have a chat to get an idea of exactly what it could do for you and your other half, I’d be happy to hear from you. If you’re already convinced that this is clearly a) a gift that gets you mucho brownie points and b) one that will actually be pretty awesome for you too, hope on over to the registration page on