How to survive the most wonderful time of the year when it sucks
istockphoto.com© hartphotography1
Holidays can be the most wonderful time of the year but they can also be the most difficult. There is something about the message that this particular time should be full of joy that can create a lot more pressure for people who aren’t feeling particularly joyful for various reasons. One of the keys to getting through it is to remember that, in fact, you are not alone in feeling this way. Many people are suffering from sickness or depression, are dealing with being separated from loved ones, or coping with personal challenges or financial issues that are overwhelming.
Even if you are lucky enough to be surrounded by loved ones, ironically, this season of cheer and goodwill to all men is the time of year that families and couples fight the most. There is nothing quite like an extended period of time in an enclosed space with your nearest and dearest to push your biggest buttons and, when you add alcohol to the mix, things predictably go downhill.
Being single during the holidays is arguably worse than being part of a fighting couple: For some reason, being unwillingly single for the holidays sucks even more than on Valentine’s day, presumably because you at least have a fighting chance at ignoring the existence of the latter.
All this pales in comparison to how hard it is to get through the holidays when you are mourning a loved one. It is particularly painful, not just because it is a time full of memories, but because everywhere you turn, the message is that this is the time to be together with loved ones. The joy that the rest of the world seems to be experiencing can make those burdened by grief feel particularly isolated.
The most important survival skill at this time of year is to give yourself permission to have the feelings you are having. Stop telling yourself that you ought to be feeling differently just because the calendar is on this particular page. It is hard enough to deal with difficult feelings without heaping guilt and shame on top of them. Quit Should-ing yourself. Expectations are 99% of the cause of all suffering. Give up the expectation that you should be feeling or reacting any differently to the way that you are. At a minimum, accept that the reality is this is how you are feeling. Even better, show yourself a little compassion and respect the fact that if you had a choice, you wouldn’t choose to be feeling like this.
Step 2 is to imagine yourself as someone else that you care about and think about how you would treat them if they were feeling this way. Perhaps you would be a little more patient? Give them a break? Give them permission to curl up under the covers until they felt stronger? Everyone is unique and we all have different things that make us feel better – and crucially for some people, the most important thing is simply having permission not to feel better until we do. Sometimes it takes a heck of a lot more time and energy to try to stop yourself having a feeling than to let it run it’s course. Sometimes, little things can help a lot. Be brave and ask for help. If that’s too much or there doesn’t seem to be anyone available, come up with a short list of things you can do for yourself that might help. Maybe it’s going to the movies and escaping reality for a while, finding someone to talk to, getting some exercise, making yourself some nourishing food.
Step 3 is to remember that practicing gratitude can be a very helpful aid. Sometimes, even coming up with a list of things to be grateful for is a major challenge (click for a link to a post on some suggestions to get started). If that’s the case, try an appreciation list instead. When all seems lost, sometimes it helps to focus on appreciation for the things we have experienced, the ability to feel, the breath that still carries hope that there will be a better moment ahead. If these holidays are hard for you, I truly hope something here will be helpful. Please remember that you are not alone and that everything changes. This too shall pass, I promise. I wish you peace in your heart.
Happy 4th of July
Happy 4th of July, everybody! I started today at the Jersey Shore where I had been invited to spend the weekend with some friends. I went out to run early this morning and chanced upon the startling sight of a large group of women of assorted sizes, ages spanning six decades, moving together in perfect harmony, filling the band-stand and spilling out on to the grass surrounding it.
At first glance, I thought I had stumbled upon Wildwood’s synchronized belly dance team, however, I soon surmised that this was in fact, an exercise class led by a contagiously enthusiastic blonde. After watching for scarcely a minute, I put down my water bottle and joined in the fun.
We bounced and gyrated, shook our booty and strutted our stuff sweatily under the morning sun. Our joie-de-vivre knew no bounds as we formed a can-can line and then twirled about, swinging each other around with such girlish innocence and playfulness. As I stretched up my arms into the blue sky above me, I was seized with emotion. I thought of the patients I had tended to in hospice last week and in particular, the one who had died and my heart surged with gratitude.
I was filled with a profound awareness of the blessings I was receiving. Such a simple yet sweet joy: strangers laughing and smiling as they danced together under a blue sky. How lucky I was, to be alive, to be healthy, to be free and above all, to be able to be conscious of this and to appreciate it all.
It is sunset now and as I look at the sky again, I am relieved to be brought back to this state of mind once again. The worries with which I have been preoccupied for the past couple of hours shrink back into their appropriately insignificant proportions, compared to all that I truly can rejoice in and give thanks for today.
If you enjoyed this post, please share it and if you would like to leave a comment, click on the title.
