Living and Loving Fearlessly

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“Life will break you.

Nobody can protect you from that,

and living alone won’t either,

for solitude will also break you with its yearning.

You have to love.

You have to feel.

It is the reason you are here on earth.

You are here to risk your heart.

You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near,

Let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps,

Wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

Yesterday I found a new role mode, in an Elephant Journal article by Robert Sturman about The Guiness Book of Records reigning oldest living yoga teacher, 93 year old Tao Porchon Lynch.   As impressive as her strength and flexibility are for someone of any age, let alone a nonagenarian, it is much more than her physical prowess that enchants me about this radiant being.

For not only does she love yoga, but also wine and dancing the tango.

In a interview with Tara Stiles-Parker, she credits her longevity and zest for living to proper breathing and making a concerted effort to think positive thoughts, along with a nightly shoulder stand before bed each night.     She eschews fear and procrastination, simply doing the next right thing without delay.

She beams and twinkles with a light that simply dazzles me.

“Smile at everyone”

She advises as she illustrates the phenomenal magnetism of her charismatic charm.

This is how I want to live my life.

Waking up grateful for each new day,

thrilled by the prospect of all that I can learn,

all the wonderful places and beautiful people to be met,

making the most of the great gift of life

and blessing all I see with a smile.

I have to stop going to the hardware store for milk

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©istockphoto/sdominick

 

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

 

Today I’d like to talk to you about getting unstuck from unhealthy situations in important relationships.  I have heard it said that 99% of the solution to any problem is to become conscious of your behavior first.  So I’d like to start by sharing a little exercise with you, for which you are going to need a pen and paper, I’ll pause a minute while you go find one…

Welcome back!  To begin, on your piece of paper, write the numbers 1. 2. and 3. underneath each other.

First, what I would like you to do is to think of an important yet frustrating relationship in your life, could be a romantic one, or it could be with a parent or sibling or friend.  Got it?  Good. Now write the name of that person next to the number one.

Next, think about what it is that you most need and don’t get from that person – could be something like acceptance, affection, consideration, passion, commitment, sensitivity – you get the idea.   When you have chosen that thing, write it next to the number two.

Finally, calculate how long you have been in this situation of not getting this important need met in your relationship – could be days, weeks, months or years.  Write this answer next to number 3.

Now write this sentence on your piece of paper

I have to stop going to the hardware store for milk.  I have been doing this for ten years now.

Crazy or what?   You know how Albert Einstein defined insanity?   See the top of this post again if you need a reminder.

Now, I am going to have you write the sentence again with some substutions for certain words.   You see where this is going?  OK, but no chickening out now.

It’s important that you see this written down.

Here we go,

I have to stop going to __(your answer to number 1)_   for __(insert your answer to number 2)  I have been doing this for __(answer to number 3)__

Take a look at this sentence without guilt, shame or judgment.  Just notice – with curiosity about what might be motivating you to keep up this – shall we say – level of optimism about this particular relationship.   There has to be a reason that some part of your brain is telling you to keep showing up at the hardware store for milk.   It’s probably not a rational part.  It’s likely to be part of you that is totally stuck on the idea of How Things Ought To Be.  It might well be a younger part of you that says with sad confusion,

But this person is my fill in the blank  they are SUPPOSED to fill in the blank.   

You might respond to this younger part of yourself kindly  ’Yes they are sweetie.  And they ought to and you deserve to have them do that.  But…  I’m a little worried about how much it hurts you to keep getting your feelings so hurt when you are disappointed.’

Just saying.

Always remember that the only person you have any hope of changing is you.

Take this piece of paper and stick it on your bathroom mirror for a month.   Each time you brush your teeth, take a look at it and try to come up with some ideas of how you might try to do this differently.   It doesn’t necessarily mean ending a relationship.  But it might mean working on laying down the expectations you have of how things ought to be, so that you can have a little more peace about how they are.

Think about it.  Ask yourself this question

If I could give up the belief that ******* should be ********  how would that change how I feel about the way things are?

Chances are if you didn’t have the expectation that this person should behave in a certain way – you wouldn’t be suffering when they don’t.    Try this on for size.  And let me know how it works for you.  I’m going to be working on it right alongside you.

 

My purpose is love

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I had an amazing weekend facilitating the Vive La Différence Weekend for Couples with Bruce Gold. I am awed and humbled by the transformational power of love. It truly is the strongest medicine. This morning, one of the participants forwarded me an email she had received today which I would like to share with you along with a song –  MC YOGI Give Love.

Daily Inspiration for Monday, February 27, 2012 from Renaissance Unity 

Purpose

“If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain:
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.”
~Emily Dickinson

Today’s Affirmation
My passion is freedom and my purpose is love.

Today’s Meditation
Dear God,

Your presence in my life is like a burning fire and a cool breeze.
Your truth pushes and cradles me.
I intend to be a better person today than I was yesterday.
With Your help, I passionately live my purpose.
With my help, You transform the world.
Thank You!
And so it is.
Amen

Today I hope that you feel  connected to and inspired by your life’s purpose.

Tears are a river that take you somewhere

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MATER DOLOROSA: THE UN-RUINED HEART

“It is said by the old women of the family that the hilts of the swords piercing Our Lady’s heart are shaped like the curling sepals which protect the buds of roses..

 

 

..that with prayer and time, each sword hilt will burst into seven fragrant roses, blooming again and again, because suffering brings the rain of tears, because the rain of tears waters the earth, because moisture on dry earth of our being is guaranteed to bring forth new life.

Tears are a river that take you somewhere… somewhere better, somewhere good.”

“The swords through your heart are not the ones which caused your wounds, but rather, these mighty swords of Strength were earned by your struggles through hard times.

Sword of Surrender: to withstand this time of learning.
Sword of Veils: to pierce the hidden meanings of this time.
Sword of Healing: to lance one’s own agony, bitterness.
Sword of New Life: to cut through, cut loose, plant anew.
Sword of Courage: to speak up, row on, touch others.
Sword of Life Force: to draw from, lean on, purify.
Sword of Love: often heaviest to lift consistently;
turns one away from war, to instead,
fall into the arms of Immaculate Strength.

O Immaculate Heart of My Mother,
give me shelter in the beautiful chambers of your heart.
Keep me strong, fierce, loving, and able in this world.
Remind me daily, that despite my imperfections,
my heart remains,
completely un-ruined.”

From the book “Untie the Strong Woman” by Clarissa Pinkola-Estés

Come on Baby, re-light my fire – how to get date night out of a rut

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Unless you live in a cave, you are probably aware that it was Valentine’s Day yesterday. All things romantic are foremost in my mind not just because it’s THAT month again, but also because I’m majorly excited that next weekend I’ll be offering the Vive La Différence Couples Workshop in Collegeville, PA. Last week I wrote a post for Lifehack on how to make Valentine’s Day last all year and I thought it would be fitting to share one of the tips I shared on how to re-kindle the spark.

This hot date idea is entitled Strangers in the Night and it is quite the fire-starter, especially when you have been together for a long time and/or are married.

For the purposes of this exercise you will need to select a time and date to meet in a bar that neither of you have visited before. An hotel bar is ideal for the purpose of this exercise for reasons that will become apparent.

Without discussing any details beforehand, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to invent an alter-ego for the night, complete with name, age, personal history etc. Venture outside the box a little and experiment playing the role of someone who has a little different lifestyle to your own. For example, you might pretend to be a traveling pharmaceutical sales executive and power dress in heels and a business suit – perhaps with racy lingerie underneath (-of course, if you’re the guy and you try this role you will need to be prepared for quite a bit of extra attention.) Get creative and play against type – if you’re a dentist by day, how about going as a contractor complete with tool belt? Or a secret agent on a dark ops mission? You get the idea. Whatever you come up with, invest a little time in creating your character as fully as possible. Where do you live? How old are you? Kids? Not?

When you arrive at the bar, if you get there first pull up a stool with your back to the door, order a drink and enjoy the thrill of anticipation as you await the arrival of a mysterious stranger. Play hard to get or flirt like mad, the choice is yours. One of the most fun and unexpected benefits of this game is the reaction of the bartender or guy next door who is eavesdropping on the conversation and just can’t believe what he’s hearing. Especially when one of you proposes that you should leave together (or better still slips a room key to the other).

Whether you head off home or head upstairs to a room together, try to keep up the act as long as possible. This game is a sure fire cure for date nights that have fallen into a rut. Especially when you make a conscious effort to see, hear and touch each other with the curiosity of never having done it before. While you’re at it, you might want to try new foods or -ahem- activities that you perhaps might not usually explore. You get all the adventure with none of the risks and the best part is, you can pretend to be a totally different set of people as often as you want.

Life Lessons from a Dying Man

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I am not a pilot, brain-surgeon or rocket scientist. Nor am I planning the invasion of a small country, yet you could be forgiven for thinking so, judging by my ruthless obsession with increasing efficiency.

I am doing more things, more quickly than I even thought possible.

I am communicating with more people, faster and better than before.

I have de-cluttered and re-prioritized, systematized and categorized. I have mind maps and action plans, to do lists and tickler files, 43 folders and a 5 year plan.

Yet even as I am dizzied by my own super-human levels of productivity, I’ve started to feel that I am surviving more than thriving.

On the treadmill on Sunday as I dutifully clocked up my miles, I couldn’t help noticing that a large part of my life now closely resembles that of a plucky little hamster, sprinting gamely on its wheel.

Last week, I spent my Thursday afternoon at the bedside of a patient who was dying. I met this man in the last months of his life, when he was suffering from end stage Alzheimer’s disease.

He wasn’t the man he once was. Although he could no longer express himself, he communicated so much to me about who he was that truly inspired me.

When I would visit him in the nursing home at meal-times he didn’t recognize or remember me, yet without fail, as I sat down beside him he would pat my hand and say,

“Have you eaten?” and offer me the food from his own plate. When I would get up to leave, he would look with concern out the window, checking on the weather and to see if it was dark, telling me to be careful as I bid him goodbye.

On the last day we were alone together for several hours.

The stillness in the room descended like a heavy blanket of snow, pierced only by the sound of the oxygen machine and his breathing.

Time slowed down at last and I felt a shift in my perspective and perceptions about what had been so important and urgent before I sat down beside him.

I was holding his hand as he took his last breath and his heart beat its last.

Accompanying someone to the end of their life is an experience that never fails to humble you but something about this experience has really changed me.

On Sunday, I was invited to a gathering of his family and friends. The house was full of people, eating and laughing, celebrating a life well-lived.

Looking around, his daughter told me he would have loved this day. I sat down to look at a photo-album, eager to see glimpses of the man he had been.

As I turned the pages, looking at the photos of him playing with a grand-child or laughing at the helm of his boat in the Summer ocean, I saw confirmation of what I had felt intuitively; that this was a man who loved to spend time with his friends and family.

In this portrait of a life, I saw what was dear to him.

A man brimming with generosity, fun, kindness and love. A man who brightened the lives of all those around him.

A man who cared for, comforted and cherished those he loved.

I remembered that I knew what he had done for a living and yet what struck me most was this.

His glorious legacy was not what he had done but who he had been

I share this with you today to remind you to stop and smell the roses.

Tell those you love how you feel about them.

Be glad that you can.

Pause for a moment and imagine looking back on your life:

How will you view what seems so urgent and important today?

What to read when you’re on the edge

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Sweetheart, I’m so glad you reached out to me.  I hear that you are hurting.

I’m so sorry that life is really hard right now.

I have time for you.    How can I support you right now?

 

Where are you?   Can you find somewhere quiet and safe that you can lie down on the ground?

Take a breath.

All the way in and all the way out.

Especially out.

Slower.

Deeper.

Again.

When you feel ready, become aware of the floor underneath you.   Mother earth, holding you in the palm of her hand.

Let go, let her take your weight.

Relax.  Feel everything soften as you sink in to the support of the earth beneath you.

Feel peace spreading inside you, like the sun coming out from behind the clouds.

When you feel ready, can you open your eyes and say hello to your toes?

Notice your feet, your legs and send them some appreciation for carrying you this far on your journey.

Take another breath.

Put one hand on your tummy and the other on your heart.

Can you feel your heart beating?

Let yourself notice the beat of your heart, the one constant thing that remains.

Be an empty beach at the end of the day,

The echoes of the childrens voices have faded away

and all that remains is the whisper of the surf,

As the waves go in and out, like the breath,

In and then out.

Bring your awareness to your face now.

Pay close attention

Can you feel the breath here?  Going in and out.

Can you feel the warmth of your skin, radiating out in to the air?

Wait, listen, can you feel something else?

It’s the softness of a hundred butterfly kisses,

Tiny kisses of love and light.

From all the invisible loves that surround you.

Love now,

And love from before,

Love from ahead,

And love from beyond.

Feel it now.  Open to this love and see it surround you,

Let it fill every cell and dry every tear.

Hear the celebration for every moment of your being,

Your strength and your courage, your big, beautiful heart.

You are safe, You are loved

You are safe, You are loved

 

 Inspired by my best friend Lauren, who is always there when I get lost, with her timeless, patient, peaceful wisdom to guide me safely back to shore.  

Just Say No to Resolutions

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Dearly beloved,

As the holidays draw to a close I wanted to reach out and send you off into the New Year with much love and warm wishes that 2012 will bring you all that you can dream of – and some things so good you couldn’t have even imagined them!

As far as resolutions are concerned, I’d like to suggest that you don’t make any.  This New Year how about loving yourself for exactly where you are instead?   Instead of focusing on what you want to change, make a list of what you have achieved this year.  If your year sucked so badly that you are drawing a blank, try a list of what you survived instead.

Of course, I do still want you to grow this year and having goals is a great idea.   As long as you don’t set yourself up with an over-ambitious list of resolutions and then crash and burn before the month of January is out.

Find and celebrate the good and brave in yourself and encourage those parts to keep up the good work.

Come up with a short list of baby steps that you can be confident in ace-ing.  Enjoy the instant gratification and surf on over with confidence to create another little list.

Life is hard enough with beating yourself up and – if you stop and think about it – shame and guilt are a lousy method of self-motivation.

It’s not a bad thing to make your goals public so you have to be accountable, but why not choose a friend who can cheer you on as well.

If that’s all too tame and you want to up the stakes, think of a cause to which you are totally opposed and write out a check to them.   Next, give the check to someone you trust and tell them that if you don’t follow through by an agreed upon time, you want them to mail the check.

I’d love you to keep me posted on your progress and if you would like me to be your personal cheerleader, I have a small number of coaching spots available – in person or by phone or Skype.

Finally, I’d like to invite you to join me and ask you to help me spread the word about my two upcoming workshops, “Vive La Differénce! The Weekend for Couples“ February 25th and 26^th and something totally new,  “Me Time for Mommies”,  a four-week coaching program is for rookie and veteran moms alike that takes place on Thursday evenings in Mt Airy starting January 12th.

For more information call or email me and I wish you and your loved ones a wonderful year,

Mirabai

3 a.m. Crib Sheet – guest post by Heidi Fischbach

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Things may be hard. So hard they may be waking you up at 3 in the morning. You try to keep sleeping but no: now the soundtrack is going… you know, the  soundtrack  of all the things you suspect are related to how your shoulders feel so tight, not to mention that knot in your belly, or the dull ache between your temples…

It’s too much: too much pressure, too much to do, too much to keep track of, too much noise, too much work, too many messages, too many things… Too much, you think.

Even while it feels like not enough. Not enough time, not enough money, not enough business, not enough lovin’… Not enough, you think.

And you are tired. So tired. If only you could rest, you think. You try to remember when you last sat in the sun and read for an hour. You want to get away… But there’s so much to take care of, you think.

Maybe you have a business. Maybe you have a family. There are people you feel responsible for, or to… Or maybe it’s just you, and maybe that is the thought that wakes you: I am alone, you think.

Oh sweetest heart, come. What I want to tell you is simple, and yet we forget it all the time. I do. (Why do you think I’m writing it to you right now, before I go to bed?!)

Dearest heart,

You do not need to hold yourself up. You do not need to keep it together. The ground, it is strong. And it’s right there under you at 3 in the morning or afternoon. Supporting you. Let the ground hold you. All of you:

Head? Yes.
Butt? For sure.
Neck? Absolutely.
Arms? Ahhhhrms.
Legs? Mmmmm.
Back? The ground has got your back, for sure!

See if you can let yourself be held.

Also, the air? It’s free, my love, free! No need to skimp. Your neck and shoulders will appreciate the rest they get when your breathing is gentle and deep. Also, you might try this if ever you feel yourself anxious and struggling for breath: let yourself be breathed. Notice how air enters and leaves, enters and leaves. Again and again. What a relief.

Oh my love, I know you know all this, you just forget.

Here’s a crib sheet for 3 a.m. Tuck it under you pillow if you want:

Strong ground. Generous, free air.
Let the ground hold you.
Let the air breathe you.

What a relief.

Oh and too (lest you forget)?

You are loved.

What’s that? By whom?

Ahhh… here’s a thought: How ’bout you fall asleep counting loves! (Sheep are so last century). Count people who love you, past present future. People you love, ever… Things you love… Animals… Places…

Sweet dreams, my sweet…

*Kissing your forehead… slipping out quietly*

Heidi Fischbach is a Massage therapist, Mood detective and Mortar & pestle queen.  She uses pure essential oils to create magic potions and lotions for mixed up emotions (made from pure essential oils) including the fabulously titled Losing It:

“The potion for when you’re losing your shit. Or about to. You’re running in circles and the world around you or inside your head is spinning like craaaazy.

Wanted: Calm. Support. Strength. This potion brings to mind the ground supporting us and the roots of ancient wise trees.

Losing It features Sandalwood and Vetiver. With supporting roles by warming Ginger, and sassy Lemongrass. Sweetness by: Ylang Ylang. And bouncer services by Black Pepper (‘Cause, oh yeah: you always want Black Pepper on your side).”    

I feel better already,  I hope you do, too.   

P.S. special thanks to one of my favorite people, Pirate Queen Havi Brooks for introducing me to Heidi.

How to survive the most wonderful time of the year when it sucks

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Holidays can be the most wonderful time of the year but they can also be the most difficult.   There is something about the message that this particular time should be full of joy that can create a lot more pressure for people who aren’t feeling particularly joyful for various reasons.  One of the keys to getting through it is to remember that, in fact, you are not alone in feeling this way.  Many people are suffering from sickness or depression, are dealing with being separated from loved ones, or coping with personal challenges or financial issues that are overwhelming.

Even if you are lucky enough to be surrounded by loved ones, ironically, this season of cheer and goodwill to all men is the time of year that families and couples fight the most.     There is nothing quite like an extended period of time in an enclosed space with your nearest and dearest to push your biggest buttons and, when you add alcohol to the mix, things predictably go downhill.

Being single during the holidays is arguably worse than being part of a fighting couple:  For some reason, being unwillingly single for the holidays sucks even more than on Valentine’s day, presumably because you at least have a fighting chance at ignoring the existence of the latter.

All this pales in comparison to how hard it is to get through the holidays when you are mourning a loved one.    It is particularly painful, not just because it is a time full of memories, but because everywhere you turn, the message is that this is the time to be together with loved ones.     The joy that the rest of the world seems to be experiencing can make those burdened by grief feel particularly isolated.

The most important survival skill at this time of year is to give yourself permission to have the feelings you are having.  Stop telling yourself that you ought to be feeling differently just because the calendar is on this particular page.   It is hard enough to deal with difficult feelings without heaping guilt and shame on top of them.   Quit Should-ing yourself.   Expectations are 99% of the cause of all suffering.   Give up the expectation that you should be feeling or reacting any differently to the way that you are.   At a minimum, accept that the reality is this is how you are feeling.  Even better, show yourself a little compassion and respect the fact that if you had a choice, you wouldn’t choose to be feeling like this.

Step 2 is to imagine yourself as someone else that you care about and think about how you would treat them if they were feeling this way.   Perhaps you would be  a little more patient?   Give them a break?   Give them permission to curl up under the covers until they felt stronger?   Everyone is unique and we all have different things that make us feel better – and crucially for some people, the most important thing is simply having permission not to feel better until we do.    Sometimes it takes a heck of a lot more time and energy to try to stop yourself having a feeling than to let it run it’s course.     Sometimes, little things can help a lot.     Be brave and ask for help.  If that’s too much or there doesn’t seem to be anyone available, come up with a short list of things you can do for yourself that might help.      Maybe it’s going to the movies and escaping reality for a while, finding someone to talk to, getting some exercise, making yourself some nourishing food.

Step 3 is to remember that practicing gratitude can be a very helpful aid. Sometimes, even coming up with a list of things to be grateful for is a major challenge (click for a link to a post on some suggestions to get started).   If that’s the case, try an appreciation list instead.  When all seems lost, sometimes it helps to focus on appreciation for the things we have experienced, the ability to feel, the breath that still carries hope that there will be a better moment ahead. If these holidays are hard for you,  I truly hope something here will be helpful.  Please remember that you are not alone and that everything changes.  This too shall pass, I promise.     I wish you peace in your heart.