I have to stop going to the hardware store for milk

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©istockphoto/sdominick

 

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

 

Today I’d like to talk to you about getting unstuck from unhealthy situations in important relationships.  I have heard it said that 99% of the solution to any problem is to become conscious of your behavior first.  So I’d like to start by sharing a little exercise with you, for which you are going to need a pen and paper, I’ll pause a minute while you go find one…

Welcome back!  To begin, on your piece of paper, write the numbers 1. 2. and 3. underneath each other.

First, what I would like you to do is to think of an important yet frustrating relationship in your life, could be a romantic one, or it could be with a parent or sibling or friend.  Got it?  Good. Now write the name of that person next to the number one.

Next, think about what it is that you most need and don’t get from that person – could be something like acceptance, affection, consideration, passion, commitment, sensitivity – you get the idea.   When you have chosen that thing, write it next to the number two.

Finally, calculate how long you have been in this situation of not getting this important need met in your relationship – could be days, weeks, months or years.  Write this answer next to number 3.

Now write this sentence on your piece of paper

I have to stop going to the hardware store for milk.  I have been doing this for ten years now.

Crazy or what?   You know how Albert Einstein defined insanity?   See the top of this post again if you need a reminder.

Now, I am going to have you write the sentence again with some substutions for certain words.   You see where this is going?  OK, but no chickening out now.

It’s important that you see this written down.

Here we go,

I have to stop going to __(your answer to number 1)_   for __(insert your answer to number 2)  I have been doing this for __(answer to number 3)__

Take a look at this sentence without guilt, shame or judgment.  Just notice – with curiosity about what might be motivating you to keep up this – shall we say – level of optimism about this particular relationship.   There has to be a reason that some part of your brain is telling you to keep showing up at the hardware store for milk.   It’s probably not a rational part.  It’s likely to be part of you that is totally stuck on the idea of How Things Ought To Be.  It might well be a younger part of you that says with sad confusion,

But this person is my fill in the blank  they are SUPPOSED to fill in the blank.   

You might respond to this younger part of yourself kindly  ’Yes they are sweetie.  And they ought to and you deserve to have them do that.  But…  I’m a little worried about how much it hurts you to keep getting your feelings so hurt when you are disappointed.’

Just saying.

Always remember that the only person you have any hope of changing is you.

Take this piece of paper and stick it on your bathroom mirror for a month.   Each time you brush your teeth, take a look at it and try to come up with some ideas of how you might try to do this differently.   It doesn’t necessarily mean ending a relationship.  But it might mean working on laying down the expectations you have of how things ought to be, so that you can have a little more peace about how they are.

Think about it.  Ask yourself this question

If I could give up the belief that ******* should be ********  how would that change how I feel about the way things are?

Chances are if you didn’t have the expectation that this person should behave in a certain way – you wouldn’t be suffering when they don’t.    Try this on for size.  And let me know how it works for you.  I’m going to be working on it right alongside you.

 

Productivity Schmoductivity: Being a grown-up is over-rated

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Productivity, Schmoductivity.   Some days when I have been doing a little too much for a little too long, my inner child throws a tantrum and I am forced to take it easy, whether I want to or not.

So, today I invite you to de-stress, chill out and take it all a little less seriously with some wisdom and inspiration from Allie Brosh, at her most awesome blog-site - Hyperbole and a Half.

Check out her post This is Why I’ll never be a grown up  and be gentle on yourself today!

If God loves me so much, why does he want me to give up chocolate?

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It’s Mardi Gras tomorrow, historically a day of indulgence to consume the remaining foods that will be given up for Lent which begins the next day.

This 40 day period which begins on Ash Wednesday and culminates in the celebration of Easter  is prescribed as a time of penitence for believers marked by fasting and abstention from luxuries.

I remember as a child being deeply mystified by the seemingly mixed message that on the one hand, God loved me so much and yet on the other, he wanted me to give up chocolate.

For more decades than I care to admit, I retained a very childish attitude of rebellion towards the entire concept of self-discipline which engendered many an unproductive internal conflict in the pursuit of healthy goals.

In a society that venerates conspicuous consumption, commerce and instant gratification, self-denial is a hard sell.  For many people, self-discipline and deprivation are synonymous.   Ironically, considering this was an issue that began in the Church in England so many years ago, my issue with self-discipline only came to resolution relatively recently thanks to the wisdom and growth I have experienced on my yoga mat.

Part of the solution lay in a more conscious consideration of the multiple meanings of the word discipline:

Yoga reminded me that a spiritual practice is a discipline in the sense of these meanings:

I realized that part of me had been stuck in associating discipline exclusively with these meanings:

• Control obtained by enforcing compliance or order.
• A systematic method to obtain obedience: a military discipline.
• A state of order based on submission to rules and authority: a teacher who demanded discipline in the classroom
• Punishment intended to correct or train.

Slowly but surely, my previous knee-jerk reaction to reject additional commitments faded and I started to appreciate that self-discipline can be a positive choice rather than a deprivation.    I noticed that it is at the times that there is most chaos and pressure in my life, I find deep peace and comfort in routines.

Making a commitment to do something good for me used to feel like yet another chore on my to do list, in an overly full schedule.  Nowadays, I see it as an act of dedication and devotion to taking good care of myself.

Investigating the meanings that we have for things can be so incredibly beneficial. By stopping and taking the time to examine the beliefs we are walking around with, we create an opportunity to change and grow, to throw out old ways of thinking that no longer serve us and try on something new.     Which brings me back to Lent.

Even if you are not a Christian, Lent provides an occasion to try on some new behaviors. It is always interesting to challenge the things you believe you are dependent on. For some people it makes sense to give something up, even to suffer a little in the process, as a way of stimulating a form of deep reflection.

But equally, you may decide that you might have more to gain, spiritually speaking, during this period by adding something positive instead of giving something up. A couple of years ago, I found myself considering how I could choose to give up something that would also benefit others during this period.

I felt that in some ways, even giving up something that I loved seemed like a rather self-indulgent practice and so I picked  giving up complaining for Lent that year. The commitment I made was to monitor everything that came out of my mouth and forsake all negativity.

I thought it would be so easy, after all I considered myself a relatively kind and positive person.  It sounded so simple and yet I SUCKED at it.  When I started to pay some serious attention, I realized I complained without even being conscious of it way more than I could have imagined.  It was easy to avoid saying something bad about somebody, but I had no idea how much I bitched and moaned about traffic and the weather.

Over the entire period, I think I barely made it through two consecutive days of complete compliance.      This year it’s going to be my goal once again and I hope that, regardless of whether you follow this or another spiritual or religious tradition or not,  you feel inspired to think creatively about how you might benefit from a 40 day commitment to your personal development by giving something up or doing something new or different.

What to read when you’re on the edge

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Sweetheart, I’m so glad you reached out to me.  I hear that you are hurting.

I’m so sorry that life is really hard right now.

I have time for you.    How can I support you right now?

 

Where are you?   Can you find somewhere quiet and safe that you can lie down on the ground?

Take a breath.

All the way in and all the way out.

Especially out.

Slower.

Deeper.

Again.

When you feel ready, become aware of the floor underneath you.   Mother earth, holding you in the palm of her hand.

Let go, let her take your weight.

Relax.  Feel everything soften as you sink in to the support of the earth beneath you.

Feel peace spreading inside you, like the sun coming out from behind the clouds.

When you feel ready, can you open your eyes and say hello to your toes?

Notice your feet, your legs and send them some appreciation for carrying you this far on your journey.

Take another breath.

Put one hand on your tummy and the other on your heart.

Can you feel your heart beating?

Let yourself notice the beat of your heart, the one constant thing that remains.

Be an empty beach at the end of the day,

The echoes of the childrens voices have faded away

and all that remains is the whisper of the surf,

As the waves go in and out, like the breath,

In and then out.

Bring your awareness to your face now.

Pay close attention

Can you feel the breath here?  Going in and out.

Can you feel the warmth of your skin, radiating out in to the air?

Wait, listen, can you feel something else?

It’s the softness of a hundred butterfly kisses,

Tiny kisses of love and light.

From all the invisible loves that surround you.

Love now,

And love from before,

Love from ahead,

And love from beyond.

Feel it now.  Open to this love and see it surround you,

Let it fill every cell and dry every tear.

Hear the celebration for every moment of your being,

Your strength and your courage, your big, beautiful heart.

You are safe, You are loved

You are safe, You are loved

 

 Inspired by my best friend Lauren, who is always there when I get lost, with her timeless, patient, peaceful wisdom to guide me safely back to shore.  

Just Say No to Resolutions

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Dearly beloved,

As the holidays draw to a close I wanted to reach out and send you off into the New Year with much love and warm wishes that 2012 will bring you all that you can dream of – and some things so good you couldn’t have even imagined them!

As far as resolutions are concerned, I’d like to suggest that you don’t make any.  This New Year how about loving yourself for exactly where you are instead?   Instead of focusing on what you want to change, make a list of what you have achieved this year.  If your year sucked so badly that you are drawing a blank, try a list of what you survived instead.

Of course, I do still want you to grow this year and having goals is a great idea.   As long as you don’t set yourself up with an over-ambitious list of resolutions and then crash and burn before the month of January is out.

Find and celebrate the good and brave in yourself and encourage those parts to keep up the good work.

Come up with a short list of baby steps that you can be confident in ace-ing.  Enjoy the instant gratification and surf on over with confidence to create another little list.

Life is hard enough with beating yourself up and – if you stop and think about it – shame and guilt are a lousy method of self-motivation.

It’s not a bad thing to make your goals public so you have to be accountable, but why not choose a friend who can cheer you on as well.

If that’s all too tame and you want to up the stakes, think of a cause to which you are totally opposed and write out a check to them.   Next, give the check to someone you trust and tell them that if you don’t follow through by an agreed upon time, you want them to mail the check.

I’d love you to keep me posted on your progress and if you would like me to be your personal cheerleader, I have a small number of coaching spots available – in person or by phone or Skype.

Finally, I’d like to invite you to join me and ask you to help me spread the word about my two upcoming workshops, “Vive La Differénce! The Weekend for Couples“ February 25th and 26^th and something totally new,  “Me Time for Mommies”,  a four-week coaching program is for rookie and veteran moms alike that takes place on Thursday evenings in Mt Airy starting January 12th.

For more information call or email me and I wish you and your loved ones a wonderful year,

Mirabai

Acupuncture and America’s Biggest Martyr

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I have a confession to make, I fell off the self-care wagon.     Looking after myself  has been an Epic Fail the past few weeks.  Quite frankly, if I were a dog-sitter I would have fired me for reckless disregard to needs for adequate exercise, rest and good nutrition

I had a major lack of short-term motivation to think about long-term goals.   I was besieged by an inner conflict, as all my good intentions got defeated, one by one.

Healthy, mature me:  “ I should really go to the gym tonight”

Adolescent me with bad attitude: “I’m gonna watch tv.”

 

H.M.M:   “Ok if the gym is too much effort, I could do a little yoga here”

A.M.W.B.A:  “Screw yoga, Where’s the wine?”

H.M.M: “At the very least, I think you really need an early night”

A.M.W.B.A:   “Leave me alone, I’ll go to bed when I want to”

The worst part of not taking care of myself is that I know better  – and not in any sanctimonious expert kind of way.   Unless you’ve been under a rock somewhere, I think it’s fairly safe to say that we all have an idea of what self-care should entail.    If only it were that simple.  And it’s not just me.

I regularly meet people who wouldn’t neglect a house-plant they way they treat themselves.    A big part of the problem, it seems to me, is that people are uncomfortable with the whole concept of self-care, judging it to synonymous with narcissistic naval gazing and self-indulgence of celebrity proportions.

There is such a cultural aversion to it that you could be forgiven for thinking there is a competition for America’s biggest martyr, when you listen to people try to outdo each other with boasts of how much they are working and how little sleep they are getting.

People who do a good job at looking after others are amongst the worst offenders when it comes to looking after themselves, it seems.   As for professional caregivers – Oy.     These are intelligent people with a good sense of cause and effect and more than a passing understanding of human biology and yet they would pretty much rather die of a stress-related illness rather than take the risk that anyone could possibly accuse them of being selfish.

The ironic thing is that actually, not taking care of yourself is really far more selfish.    If you neglect your physical well-being for long enough, chances are  you will be checking out on your loved ones somewhat earlier than they could have wished for.     And back in the here and now, when you don’t manage your stress, you’re guilty of polluting other people’s day with a toxic emission of negative energy.

Self-care is about taking personal responsibility for your health and well-being.  About ensuring that you show up for the people and things that matter, most able to give your best.    At the very least, it’s about maintaining your physical body in good working order for as long as possible.    Not eating crap,  moving the moving parts on a fairly regular basis, resting when you are tired.    That’s the minimum and yet even that seemed like an impossible task last month.   I was way beyond prevention, but I was unable even to activate the rescue plan that I would usually implement to get myself out of burnout.

Happily, I think I have figured out was going on and it’s already getting better,   thanks to the phenomenal healing gifts of Dr. of Oriental medicine, Tansy Briggs.  She explained to me that when chronic stress reaches a critical level, it triggers a permanent acute response to everything.     As my recent blood work confirmed, my cortisol (the stress hormone) level indicates that my fight or flight mechanism has been stuck in the on position for a while now and closely resembles that of someone with PTSD.   Thanks to my mind, my body has been locked in survival mode.

The sympathetic nervous system evolved back in the day when having a snappy response to an approaching tiger was a giant asset.     However, living today like a tiger is permanently about to attack is not conducive to doing most of the things that are helpful to my stress level.  It makes sense really.  If I thought the chances were fairly high that I was about to be eaten by a tiger, I probably would choose the extra calories with a side of Chardonnay.   As far as exercise is concerned, I’d want to conserve my energy to out-sprint the tiger – this of course, is the reason that there are no prehistoric cave drawings of people doing aerobics.

No wonder I couldn’t convince myself to leave the house and head for the gym, my body was sending me signals that a disaster might happen at any second, sheltering in place was the obvious choice.    Tansy explained that she needed to “reset” my adrenal function with acupuncture.    And believe it or not, after just one session, I woke up with the startling realization that I wasn’t feeling stressed.    Normal, happy even.    Rational.  Willing and able to quite cheerfully go for a run and hit both Saturday and Sunday 8am yoga classes this weekend.   What a relief.

Sometimes it seems that just knowing what one should do differently is not enough.  We need to ask for help.  And that involves believing that it’s more than ok to take care of yourself.  You deserve it and so do the people who love you.