Productivity Schmoductivity: Being a grown-up is over-rated
©Allie Brosh
Productivity, Schmoductivity. Some days when I have been doing a little too much for a little too long, my inner child throws a tantrum and I am forced to take it easy, whether I want to or not.
So, today I invite you to de-stress, chill out and take it all a little less seriously with some wisdom and inspiration from Allie Brosh, at her most awesome blog-site - Hyperbole and a Half.
Check out her post This is Why I’ll never be a grown up and be gentle on yourself today!
My purpose is love
©istockphoto/Creativeye99
I had an amazing weekend facilitating the Vive La Différence Weekend for Couples with Bruce Gold. I am awed and humbled by the transformational power of love. It truly is the strongest medicine. This morning, one of the participants forwarded me an email she had received today which I would like to share with you along with a song – MC YOGI Give Love.
Daily Inspiration for Monday, February 27, 2012 from Renaissance Unity
Purpose
“If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain:
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.”
~Emily Dickinson
Today’s Affirmation
My passion is freedom and my purpose is love.
Today’s Meditation
Dear God,
Your presence in my life is like a burning fire and a cool breeze.
Your truth pushes and cradles me.
I intend to be a better person today than I was yesterday.
With Your help, I passionately live my purpose.
With my help, You transform the world.
Thank You!
And so it is.
Amen
Today I hope that you feel connected to and inspired by your life’s purpose.
What to read when you’re on the edge
©istockphotp/dny59
Sweetheart, I’m so glad you reached out to me. I hear that you are hurting.
I’m so sorry that life is really hard right now.
I have time for you. How can I support you right now?
Where are you? Can you find somewhere quiet and safe that you can lie down on the ground?
Take a breath.
All the way in and all the way out.
Especially out.
Slower.
Deeper.
Again.
When you feel ready, become aware of the floor underneath you. Mother earth, holding you in the palm of her hand.
Let go, let her take your weight.
Relax. Feel everything soften as you sink in to the support of the earth beneath you.
Feel peace spreading inside you, like the sun coming out from behind the clouds.
When you feel ready, can you open your eyes and say hello to your toes?
Notice your feet, your legs and send them some appreciation for carrying you this far on your journey.
Take another breath.
Put one hand on your tummy and the other on your heart.
Can you feel your heart beating?
Let yourself notice the beat of your heart, the one constant thing that remains.
Be an empty beach at the end of the day,
The echoes of the childrens voices have faded away
and all that remains is the whisper of the surf,
As the waves go in and out, like the breath,
In and then out.
Bring your awareness to your face now.
Pay close attention
Can you feel the breath here? Going in and out.
Can you feel the warmth of your skin, radiating out in to the air?
Wait, listen, can you feel something else?
It’s the softness of a hundred butterfly kisses,
Tiny kisses of love and light.
From all the invisible loves that surround you.
Love now,
And love from before,
Love from ahead,
And love from beyond.
Feel it now. Open to this love and see it surround you,
Let it fill every cell and dry every tear.
Hear the celebration for every moment of your being,
Your strength and your courage, your big, beautiful heart.
You are safe, You are loved
You are safe, You are loved
Inspired by my best friend Lauren, who is always there when I get lost, with her timeless, patient, peaceful wisdom to guide me safely back to shore.
How to survive the most wonderful time of the year when it sucks
istockphoto.com© hartphotography1
Holidays can be the most wonderful time of the year but they can also be the most difficult. There is something about the message that this particular time should be full of joy that can create a lot more pressure for people who aren’t feeling particularly joyful for various reasons. One of the keys to getting through it is to remember that, in fact, you are not alone in feeling this way. Many people are suffering from sickness or depression, are dealing with being separated from loved ones, or coping with personal challenges or financial issues that are overwhelming.
Even if you are lucky enough to be surrounded by loved ones, ironically, this season of cheer and goodwill to all men is the time of year that families and couples fight the most. There is nothing quite like an extended period of time in an enclosed space with your nearest and dearest to push your biggest buttons and, when you add alcohol to the mix, things predictably go downhill.
Being single during the holidays is arguably worse than being part of a fighting couple: For some reason, being unwillingly single for the holidays sucks even more than on Valentine’s day, presumably because you at least have a fighting chance at ignoring the existence of the latter.
All this pales in comparison to how hard it is to get through the holidays when you are mourning a loved one. It is particularly painful, not just because it is a time full of memories, but because everywhere you turn, the message is that this is the time to be together with loved ones. The joy that the rest of the world seems to be experiencing can make those burdened by grief feel particularly isolated.
The most important survival skill at this time of year is to give yourself permission to have the feelings you are having. Stop telling yourself that you ought to be feeling differently just because the calendar is on this particular page. It is hard enough to deal with difficult feelings without heaping guilt and shame on top of them. Quit Should-ing yourself. Expectations are 99% of the cause of all suffering. Give up the expectation that you should be feeling or reacting any differently to the way that you are. At a minimum, accept that the reality is this is how you are feeling. Even better, show yourself a little compassion and respect the fact that if you had a choice, you wouldn’t choose to be feeling like this.
Step 2 is to imagine yourself as someone else that you care about and think about how you would treat them if they were feeling this way. Perhaps you would be a little more patient? Give them a break? Give them permission to curl up under the covers until they felt stronger? Everyone is unique and we all have different things that make us feel better – and crucially for some people, the most important thing is simply having permission not to feel better until we do. Sometimes it takes a heck of a lot more time and energy to try to stop yourself having a feeling than to let it run it’s course. Sometimes, little things can help a lot. Be brave and ask for help. If that’s too much or there doesn’t seem to be anyone available, come up with a short list of things you can do for yourself that might help. Maybe it’s going to the movies and escaping reality for a while, finding someone to talk to, getting some exercise, making yourself some nourishing food.
Step 3 is to remember that practicing gratitude can be a very helpful aid. Sometimes, even coming up with a list of things to be grateful for is a major challenge (click for a link to a post on some suggestions to get started). If that’s the case, try an appreciation list instead. When all seems lost, sometimes it helps to focus on appreciation for the things we have experienced, the ability to feel, the breath that still carries hope that there will be a better moment ahead. If these holidays are hard for you, I truly hope something here will be helpful. Please remember that you are not alone and that everything changes. This too shall pass, I promise. I wish you peace in your heart.
6 ways to escape Relationship Hell
Relationship Hell. We’ve all been there; once upon a time, you couldn’t wait to see this person, now it’s all gone terribly wrong and you don’t have a clue how to fix it. What causes this miserable phenomenon? How can you prevent it and how can you escape once you discover yourself there.
The most common reason that a relationship runs in to trouble, is the common pattern of falling in love with the potential in a person. We can find that we are essentially committed to a relationship with this imaginary, idealized version of the human being in front of us. Spend enough time focused there, and this fantasy can take on a life of its own.
Inevitably, these worlds collide and the clash between the fantasy and the reality can generate massive amounts of resentment. We can develop a sense of entitlement about the way we “ought” to be treated. We make the big mistake of comparing and despairing but continually holding up our experience against the fantasy relationship and making everyone miserable as a result.
The sense of having unmet needs is fertile ground for a vicious cycle to develop. We begin to observe the amount of (fill in the blank) we are receiving, weighing it up against they way things “should” be, and then begin to wonder whether our partner “deserves” the (fill in the blank) that we have been giving. Our resentment leads us to withhold the thing they want, which results in their reaction to withdraw and then we get even less of the thing that we wanted and remonstrate (or retaliate) by not giving the thing they want and so on and so forth.
Check-mate. So what can you do to stop the madness?
Firstly, one of the most useful pieces of advice I can give you, is to install a mental pause button or time out switch before you react to anything, Curb your impulsivity, no matter what degree of provocation you are experiencing. Take some slow deep breaths or even walk away. There is very little useful information to be gained from exploring anger. Anger is just a messenger, the solutions lie in discovering and acknowledging – even to yourself- the deeper feelings below the anger – which is usually some kind of fear.
Once you have taken your finger off the trigger, try something different, here is a list of 6 interventions to try.
#1 Let go of your expectations
That imaginary boyfriend, (girlfriend, husband, wife, partner etc) that wouldn’t be doing any of this isn’t real. Expectations are the root cause of all suffering. If you didn’t have the idea that things OUGHT to be different, how would it affect what you are thinking right now?
#2 Be present
We got so caught up in both holding on to stuff from the past and fears about a future that doesn’t exist yet that it is easy to miss the present altogether. Try focusing in on the now. Try looking at your partner with fresh eyes. Put aside your resentments, judgements and opinions and pay them some attention. Not just some in fact, give them one hundred percent of your undivided attention – with eye contact!
#3 Be honest
The truth will set you free. Be honest with yourself and with everyone else. We waste huge amounts of energy in denial and/or trying to manipulate the situation into being something other than what it really is. Radical Honesty is the key but please remember to speak kindly.
#4 Listen
I always say “Find someone to talk to who doesn’t talk”. Be that person for your partner. Stop being stuck on transmit. Bite your tongue if necessary. No interrupting. See how things shift when you give each other the respect of being willing to hear whatever they want to say without repercussions. Which means no responding, or defending in return.
#5 Give what you’d like to receive
It’s easy to be loving when it’s easy. Loving when it’s hard is what really counts. Love when you are tired. Love when you are angry. Love when you are bored. A romantic gesture when you least feel like can bring miraculous results, not least by making you feel good about yourself.
#6 Be vulnerable
Be willing to show how hurt and scared you are without covering it up with anger. Stay and stay open when you want to run away. Stop trying to explain, justify or defend yourself and most importantly, give up being right.
Each of these interventions can be very powerful by itself. In combination, they create a powerful set of skills to bring to the table. Maybe even more importantly, is that regardless of the outcome, practicing these techniques will help you feel better and feel better about yourself during the process.
Share this list with your beloved. Since what you are doing isn’t working anyway, why not suggest something different? Above all, always remember that the only person actually under your control is you.
************
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Why I dumped my imaginary boyfriend. Relationship as spiritual practice.
Dear Imaginary Boyfriend,
There is no easy way to put this, I have to break up with you. I’m sorry. I know it’s going to come as a shock after all this time together. But hear me out and I hope you will come to understand why I just can’t go on like this, as much as I love you.
I have been trying to avoid the inevitable for way too long. I’ve been in denial because I didn’t want to face the facts. I’ve invested everything I had into this relationship. All my hopes and dreams have been about us for almost as long as I can remember. But something changed. I guess you could call it a wake up call. Suddenly, I’ve realized that life is too short to spend a moment longer with you.
This is probably the one occasion where the cliché is actually true – this is hurting me far more than it’s hurting you, for one indisputable reason – you’re not real.
There, I came right out and said it. I’m not blaming you. I’m willing to take responsibility in all this, after all it was me that created you. I made it all up, our imaginary, perfect relationship
Brick by brick I built a dream house and moved us into it. The more I thought about us, the more real it seemed. I said “I do” to the fantasy and I really meant “till death do us part”. In the beginning, it was fun. It seemed pretty harmless, until the comparisons started.
The more time I spent there with you, the more dissatisfied I became with the other guy, you know, the real flesh and blood one that I have the actual relationship with. I thought I could keep us separate, but I was wrong.
You drove a wedge between us, constantly letting me know how he didn’t measure up to you. You started to show up on every date with him, taunting me with how I could be so much happier with you.
Reminding me over and over, that I deserve to be treated the way you treat me, instantly fulfilling my every need and that if I accept anything less than that, it would be settling.
You wouldn’t give up until I was angry. I found myself furious with him because he just wasn’t you. You told me that I should hold back my love, weigh it out carefully, paying careful attention to what I got first, and never, ever, to give even a drop more than he gave me.
And that’s what it came too, until I looked in the mirror and realized that you turned me into a woman I didn’t want to be. I swore I wouldn’t live like this one second longer. So I’m leaving. And I’m giving you back all the fear and resentment I’ve taken on by being in a relationship with you.
I don’t want to miss the beauty of the present because I’m chasing a future with you. I choose reality, the clumsy truth of an imperfect person trying their best to love their way through fear. I’m reclaiming my open heart, my passion and my compassion. And above all, my courage to love without condition.
I choose not to hold back , especially when I’m not receiving what I hope for; Why? because that is the place that I can challenge myself and grow. When I am afraid of getting hurt, I will resist the instinct to retreat, like an oyster, closed shell clamped down around the grit of the pain of rejection.
I’m choosing to face my fear, I will open myself to reveal a beautiful pearl of unconditional love, a gleaming gift, nestled upon the glistening, softness of my deepest surrender. It is through the power of my vulnerability, that I set myself free.
*****
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